"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast."
--Unknown
"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this."
--Anonymous
"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow."
--Jeff Valdez
"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat."
--Ellen Perry Berkeley
"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later."
--Mary Bly
"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia."
--Joseph Wood Krutch
"People who hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life."
--Faith Resnick
"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats."
--Anonymous
"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior."
--Hippolyte Taine
"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God."
--Anonymous
more cat jokes (mixed)
Moderator:Lexx Yovel
-
d'avid
How to Photograph a Cat
* Put the cat on a pillow.
* Set up your camera.
* Put the cat back on the pillow.
* Get a bowl of food and put it next to the pillow.
* Put the cat back on the pillow.
* Grab the food bowl and follow the cat. As you run, hold the bowl in our cat's face, tempting her to eat.
* See if the neighbours will come over and pick up the sofa while you snap a picture of the cat underneath.
* Cross the names of your neighbours off the list for your next party.
* Put the cat back on the pillow.
* Place a catnip-stuffed mouse in front of your cat and wait for your cat to go crazy.
* Go back to the pet store and demand a refund.
* Decide on a family portrait with the cat instead.
* To stop the argument over which child gets to pose with the cat, agree to take pictures of each child holding the cat on her lap.
* Tell each child that it doesn't matter who holds the cat first because you'll shuffle the pictures after they're developed and look at them in a different order than the order they were taken.
* Get more cats, one for each child, and go back to step one.
* Put the cat on a pillow.
* Set up your camera.
* Put the cat back on the pillow.
* Get a bowl of food and put it next to the pillow.
* Put the cat back on the pillow.
* Grab the food bowl and follow the cat. As you run, hold the bowl in our cat's face, tempting her to eat.
* See if the neighbours will come over and pick up the sofa while you snap a picture of the cat underneath.
* Cross the names of your neighbours off the list for your next party.
* Put the cat back on the pillow.
* Place a catnip-stuffed mouse in front of your cat and wait for your cat to go crazy.
* Go back to the pet store and demand a refund.
* Decide on a family portrait with the cat instead.
* To stop the argument over which child gets to pose with the cat, agree to take pictures of each child holding the cat on her lap.
* Tell each child that it doesn't matter who holds the cat first because you'll shuffle the pictures after they're developed and look at them in a different order than the order they were taken.
* Get more cats, one for each child, and go back to step one.
-
d'avid
The Creation Story
As Told by the Cat
On the first day of creation, God created the cat.
On the second day, God created man to serve the cat.
On the third, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the cat.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the cat.
On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that the cat might or might not play with it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the cat healthy and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but he had to scoop the litterbox.
As Told by the Cat
On the first day of creation, God created the cat.
On the second day, God created man to serve the cat.
On the third, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the cat.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the cat.
On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that the cat might or might not play with it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the cat healthy and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but he had to scoop the litterbox.
-
d'avid
Training Your Human
Training your human is a thankless task.
"Why bother with it?", some kittens may ask.
The fate of the world is the issue at hand,
as felines worldwide stake a claim for their land.
Make no bones about it, we cats own the joint.
We spray in the corners to drive home the point.
Some say the meek shall inherit the Earth,
But they've no fangs or claws, for what that's worth.
The cat is the ultimate species, you see,
We're poised to usurp man's authority.
These silly old humans who cannot play nice!
We cats are peaceful, we hate only mice.
Just what does training your human entail?
A host of fun things you must do without fail:
The sofas and rugs need a little makeover.
The La-Z-Boy's target for kitty takeover.
Then sleep on clean towels placed in the guest bath.
And make their best clothing a target of wrath.
Tear down those new drapes with a quick forceful tug.
Then tatter the pile of the new berber rug.
And when they are sleeping, you block off their nose,
paw at their lower lip, chew on their toes.
Strut on the mantle. If they give any flack,
knock down their trophies and all bric-a-brac.
Shed on mom's new velvet black evening gown,
as she's headed out for a night on the town.
If they leave you home all alone for the night,
(Any human doing this can't be all that bright),
They're telling you by leaving, it's perfectly all right,
To totally redecorate 'til dawn's early light.
Knock over tables and chew up the fern.
Hurry, go faster! Soon, they'll return...
When they try to punish, you mustn't show concern.
(All attempts of discipline a pussycat should spurn).
A snide flick of tail will convey no remorse,
but they will try harder to scold you, of course!
So, hide in the closet until they forget,
and then launch out just like an F-14 jet.
Tear up their ankle, their forearm, their hand,
then when they've had all the pain they can stand,
dart from the room while they call 9-1-1,
and celebrate victory: The felines have won!
To humans, however, the battle's begun,
as they steep in their anger and wish for a gun.
Pathetic and lumbering and clumsy to boot,
My friend, human dominance is really a hoot.
Take charge in your home. It's destiny, meow.
(The verses above have already told how).
So sleep for an hour, and then grab some chow,
And then train your human, beginning right now.
Training your human is a thankless task.
"Why bother with it?", some kittens may ask.
The fate of the world is the issue at hand,
as felines worldwide stake a claim for their land.
Make no bones about it, we cats own the joint.
We spray in the corners to drive home the point.
Some say the meek shall inherit the Earth,
But they've no fangs or claws, for what that's worth.
The cat is the ultimate species, you see,
We're poised to usurp man's authority.
These silly old humans who cannot play nice!
We cats are peaceful, we hate only mice.
Just what does training your human entail?
A host of fun things you must do without fail:
The sofas and rugs need a little makeover.
The La-Z-Boy's target for kitty takeover.
Then sleep on clean towels placed in the guest bath.
And make their best clothing a target of wrath.
Tear down those new drapes with a quick forceful tug.
Then tatter the pile of the new berber rug.
And when they are sleeping, you block off their nose,
paw at their lower lip, chew on their toes.
Strut on the mantle. If they give any flack,
knock down their trophies and all bric-a-brac.
Shed on mom's new velvet black evening gown,
as she's headed out for a night on the town.
If they leave you home all alone for the night,
(Any human doing this can't be all that bright),
They're telling you by leaving, it's perfectly all right,
To totally redecorate 'til dawn's early light.
Knock over tables and chew up the fern.
Hurry, go faster! Soon, they'll return...
When they try to punish, you mustn't show concern.
(All attempts of discipline a pussycat should spurn).
A snide flick of tail will convey no remorse,
but they will try harder to scold you, of course!
So, hide in the closet until they forget,
and then launch out just like an F-14 jet.
Tear up their ankle, their forearm, their hand,
then when they've had all the pain they can stand,
dart from the room while they call 9-1-1,
and celebrate victory: The felines have won!
To humans, however, the battle's begun,
as they steep in their anger and wish for a gun.
Pathetic and lumbering and clumsy to boot,
My friend, human dominance is really a hoot.
Take charge in your home. It's destiny, meow.
(The verses above have already told how).
So sleep for an hour, and then grab some chow,
And then train your human, beginning right now.
-
d'avid
Cat Mind Games
* Stare with the exact same expression whether you're looking at nothing or an ax murderer.
* Wait till your human lays out their clothes and decide this would be the perfect place to take a nap.
* Race through the house, hair on end and stop in an attack pose. Then walk of nonchalantly. Repeat as necessary.
* Play with invisible objects.
* Wait till your human is asleep and jump up and start kneeding any available body parts.
* Figure 8 your humans legs while they are walking around the kitchen cooking something you won't get a bite of.
* Before your human gets out of their bed, make sure your napping in the bathroom doorway.
* Leave gifts of small animal body parts in your human' s shoes. Then wait to be praised. Stalk off if not rewarded for your gift.
* If you absolutly have to go to the vet, cling to your human's head, howling at the top of your lungs and spew hairballs on the vet.
* Wait till your human is eating, then jump on the table and shed.
* Using the litterbox at your human's mealtimes can be great fun.
* Stare with the exact same expression whether you're looking at nothing or an ax murderer.
* Wait till your human lays out their clothes and decide this would be the perfect place to take a nap.
* Race through the house, hair on end and stop in an attack pose. Then walk of nonchalantly. Repeat as necessary.
* Play with invisible objects.
* Wait till your human is asleep and jump up and start kneeding any available body parts.
* Figure 8 your humans legs while they are walking around the kitchen cooking something you won't get a bite of.
* Before your human gets out of their bed, make sure your napping in the bathroom doorway.
* Leave gifts of small animal body parts in your human' s shoes. Then wait to be praised. Stalk off if not rewarded for your gift.
* If you absolutly have to go to the vet, cling to your human's head, howling at the top of your lungs and spew hairballs on the vet.
* Wait till your human is eating, then jump on the table and shed.
* Using the litterbox at your human's mealtimes can be great fun.
-
d'avid
Dear Dogs and Cats
(ok i assume im fine if i only post jokes into this one thread ? a mod can feel free to move the other threads into this one thats fine (still dont know why the cat diary was deleted that was one of the best) in the interests of small furry harmoney between dog lovers and cat lovers heres one thats for both number 2 in my house has been rewritten im forever trying to stop my cats from "claiming" my dinner as theres(which is frankly unfair as i have never tried to eat theres))
Dear Dogs and Cats,
1. When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
2. The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
3. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.
4. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball.It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.
5. My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
6. For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
7. The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog's butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
8. To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door...
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pet a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results
Dear Dogs and Cats,
1. When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
2. The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
3. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.
4. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball.It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.
5. My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
6. For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
7. The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog's butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
8. To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door...
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pet a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results
Re: Dear Dogs and Cats
d'avid wrote:(ok i assume im fine if i only post jokes into this one thread ? a mod can feel free to move the other threads into this one thats fine (still dont know why the cat diary was deleted that was one of the best)
yea, sorry about that. I deleted it and realized I didn't have any grounds on which to do so. Unfortunately, I do not have the ability to restore threads nor do I have the ability to condense everything into one thread. It was a misunderstanding; until I read your post about your last guild I thought you were spam bot. (Impossible considering we are in the private forum, I know, but I was not thinking at the time.) You can repost the cat diary if you would like, I don't think anyone had a chance to read it other than me.
Once again, my apologies.
Apium
PS: You can do what you like as far as threads. One or ten, either is fine. We don't have enough traffic to really enforce anything like that.
swtor: Aeroxis
Apium Auvair- Master Medic
Kalice- Master Architect
Aurelie Auvair- Jedi Master
Victoire Auvair- Master Armorsmith
Apium Auvair- Master Medic
Kalice- Master Architect
Aurelie Auvair- Jedi Master
Victoire Auvair- Master Armorsmith
-
d'avid
cat diary and dog diary
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed (again).
DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan...
DAY 768- I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo". What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies". Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.
***********************************************************
Day number 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day number 181
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day number 182
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
***********************************************************
im happy to carry on posting in one thread i just hope people like the jokes
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed (again).
DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan...
DAY 768- I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo". What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies". Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.
***********************************************************
Day number 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day number 181
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day number 182
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
***********************************************************
im happy to carry on posting in one thread i just hope people like the jokes
-
d'avid
Many of these jokes bring back unpleasant memories. "Wait till your human lays out their clothes and decide this would be the perfect place to take a nap." That seems to happen at least twice a week.
We have three cats inside that we actually own and five or six outside that just show up. You can imagine all of the things that could happen with that many cats, some of them not so great. I was outside for two hours last night protecting a squirrel.
We have three cats inside that we actually own and five or six outside that just show up. You can imagine all of the things that could happen with that many cats, some of them not so great. I was outside for two hours last night protecting a squirrel.
swtor: Aeroxis
Apium Auvair- Master Medic
Kalice- Master Architect
Aurelie Auvair- Jedi Master
Victoire Auvair- Master Armorsmith
Apium Auvair- Master Medic
Kalice- Master Architect
Aurelie Auvair- Jedi Master
Victoire Auvair- Master Armorsmith